With respect to what you say, Peter, I know attempting to break away from Muriel is just not going to work. All that will led to is her exposing me for what I am - a person who has been castrated - less of a man.

This weekend Muriel had one of her friends to come by to be "serviced" by me. I do not recall if I had mentioned this woman to you before, but she is someone who had been having marital problems and was having difficulty going without sexual satisfaction. I had serviced her once before at Muriel's insistance, and even though I think the marital problems had subsided, the woman wanted to be climaxed by me again.

When the woman arrived, Muriel & Tamela excused themselves and went shopping (they love to spend my money). The woman proceeded to our guest bedroom and asked me to lay beside her. We "small-talked" for awhile, then she began to remove her clothes, and asked me to do the same - she told me she liked to look at me "down there" since I did not have testicles (this fascinated her the first time also). After a period of sultry kissing & caressing, she push my head between her legs for me to go to work. I guess I could say I felt good, since she had multiple climaxes. She them cleaned up in the bathroom, got dressed, thanked me, and left. So perhaps all that is left for me is to be a "Good Eunuch."

And I know the damage Muriel inflicts on me physically is taking a toll as well. The last time I was choked, I felt something pop in the side of my head, and later I noticed blood in my mouth.

And I had a strong suspicion that Tamela is going to try one day to fuck me. I have never had any sort of sexual relationship with a male. I keep telling myself that if she does try, I will attempt to quickly masturbate him before she can do anything to me.

I think to myself that perhaps all this is my punishment for some rapes I have done in the past. So at this point, I am tired of fighting. I think I will just go about each day, let the drugs Muriel is slipping to me (supplied by my own daughter) take their effect, allow myself to constantly be drained of my bodily fluids to weaken me, and await the day that Muriel cuts off my breath for too long a time.

Incubus

Hi Peter,

As you can tell from reading this message, I have yet to be milked. Muriel is bushed from a busy weekend and has not brought the subject up, although she has asked me to were just a jockey strap around the house, which is usually prelude to her gaining access to me. Muriel is still married, but she has been staying in a house of mine (the one I bought for Melanie) since my castration. I don't think she has seen her husband in over a year, and I don't bring up the subject. She is quite a ferocious fighter and it is definitely a turn-on to see the women go at it. Before I went out of town, she had a match in a club where the tables were arranged in stadium form around a center pit stage. The waitresses were all dressed as matadors. The room was darkened and the stage illumninated. And as you can imagine the crowd goes wild when the outfits get ripped off, which occurs very quickly! But the height of the event is when the loser gets anally fucked - you should hear the roar! Muriel wins about 2/3rds of the time - she gets paid for the show, and even more if she wins. I let her keep all her money for herself to buy whatever she wants. She does not have her own website (I have intended to get her one, but she has appeared on several. Her big claim to fame was to be shown on the "Ultimate Surrender" website once.

My "friends" & associates sort of "accept" my being with Muriel as just another aspect of my "weirdness." But I make sure Muriel uses the proper social graces, and most people don't know about her "sport." Our relationship is clear-cut - she does not reveal about my castration, which would ruin me socially & professionally, and I provide for her - plain & simple! She is good to me and I am good to her. Yes, she does get exceptionally turned on by controlling my breath, and I do worry about brain damage from long term occurances, but I am trying to reason with her on that.

As for Tamela, she does not seem to be undergoing any "sex change," - she is just Tamela! And yes, I see her as a her! As I mentioned once before - no male should be that attractive! It is that attractiveness I see, and attractiveness only. The thought that Tamela has a penis, or particularly what she might want to do with it, is bothersome.

Peter, in a couple of your stories you mention how the person's testicles get smaller as a result of the banding, even to the point where the female had to retighten the binding. This part I found diufferent from my situation, for my testicles enlarged the longer I was banded. Once I recall how heavy & swollen they had become - to a point where I found myself taking photos of them because they looked so unusual. I was going to post the pics, but I decided to erase them. And actually it was not as painful as perhaps you are thinking - in fact, after a period of time, they become somewhat numb.

You have asked me a couple of times "why I agreed to be castrated." This, perhaps, is my greatest concern. Don't you think I ask myself frequently why I did not put up a fight that night, or at least more of a resistance. This is where all these messages come into play. Since I cannot discuss this issue with those I work I have used the internet - with meager success - as a sounding board. One can hide online, and yet say those things they would not say in public. However my online interactions have been met by disbelief, disgust, lack of concern, etc. I can count on the fingers on one hand those - like you - to whom I am revealing part of my life. But I have had, and are beginning to have more, of an understanding of myself through these exchanges. Something is said, either by me or by the person at the other computer, that fills in a piece, that begins to show a pattern, that offers some explanation as to the present. Look at the phrases in your message - "sexually controlled by one's lover," "breath control," "dominance," and of course, "castration." Are they linked?

I'm sure you are bored by this long narrative, but let me mention something I had not thought about for a long time until this past year. My father was a hard-working railroad man. I recall as a child waking up at night and hearing my Mom & Dad having sex. I could hear his panting and the bed squeaking all the way down the hall if I listened closely. But what was of greatest interest was that she always fussed as he was about to climx and made him pull out beforehand. Then I could hear her making him get up and clean where he had cummed. This happened regularly. She never wanted - or let him - climax in her!

My father left for work early each day - before dawn. Mom would always bathe, and then get me up with more than sufficient time to be ready for school. Frequently as I would be getting out of the tub, she would call and ask if I was out yet, and if so to come to her bedroom in my towel before I got dressed. When I walked into the room, she would be lying on the bed with her towel from bathing still about her. She would then tell me to lie across her stomach, and would drop her towel from her breasts, place her hand behind my head and press my face to her breasts and tell me "Suck." As I sucked her nipple, she worked a lotion bottle with the other hand and then began to lubricate and stroke my penis. If I tried to pull back, she pressed my face harder into her ample breast - sometime to the point where I could not breathe unless I sucked. The only words spoken would be an occasional direction to me so that I would have my hips brought up enough where she could easily obtain my penis. The lotion made the event go quickly, and she would direct me to climax on my towel, and then to go get cleaned up and come downstairs for breakfast. We never mentioned any of this to one another.

I can also recall going to school and worrying that my classmates or teachers would know about this - perhaps they would recognize a paleness in me, or a lack of energy, and that I was not growing as I should. But those mornings remained out secret - out of the tub - climaxed - get ready for school! And when I began to see girls? - well Peter, that is another story in itself!
And JessSonia - she easily controls her live-in boyfriend of several years. She use to share with me her techniques, but when I began to mention these to Melanie, she became angered and did not want me talking sex with my cousin anymore. Melanie would have really been pissed to learn of JessSonia and what all she did to her little cousin when she was in town and stayed with his perents!

Peter, I am on a roll - there is so much more I want to say. But I know I have worn out my welcome. Muriel will be calling me to supper soon. And I have so much more I want to think about before she drains my essence out of me.

Incubus

Peter,
I hope your holiday was nice.

I was re-reading through your stories tonight - amazing how much they are similar in many ways to my aituation. I particularly like the ones where something is tied around the person's testicles. I don't know if I mentioned my cousin, JessSonia, in the emails & blogs entries that I sent to you, but she used to band my testicles. I think that is why I let Melanie do the same to me. I sometimes wish now that if I had to have my testicles removed, that would have been the way it was done - but I guess I had no choice in that matter!

I am only recently back from Cambridge (Harvard), and Muriel has been busy this weekend with her bouts, so I have not been milked in about two weeks. The two medications I take are definitely having some effect - several mornings I have had slight erections. I am having to hide this from Muriel, for I know she is very concerned in seeing that I no longer have the ability to have sex with anyone - I know she fears losing the life that she has now that I have given her. I have two sets of my meds, one I keep hidden away because she has occasionally kept me from taking them. I am hoping that she continues to let the milking go so that I can grow stronger sexually. It is amazing how any interest in sex drops to zero once she drains me, and usually continues to be flat for about a week. But the worse part is that Muriel takes great pleasure in controlling my breathing during these sessions. I never intend for any of this this to happen - although I know it will. We begin to make love - heavy kissing & caressing - I begin to feel slight arousal in my penis - and then before I know it, the anal stimulator is slid into me. Muriel then begins to slowly shut off my air, either with a neck device or manually, and then a thin, but steady, stream of clear liquid trickles out of me. Sometimes I pass out, only to awake about an hour later.

And Tamela has been around every day since I returned. He/she gave me a big hug & kiss on the cheek when I walked in the door - yuck! I still worry about his/her intentions.

Pardon my rambling, Peter, but I told you I don't have many I can talk with about this.

Incubus